aid

my house is a small apartment in a price controlled housing project, in harlem... that just happens to be worth more than half a million.

ahh Manhattan.
financial aid pwns me.

subtraction

sometime before 6, frustrated with the method of subtraction i was taught, i thought of another one.

i did not want to memorize the 45 subtraction tables how to subtract a single digit from a teen-number (ie, left after carrying). i could not accept that the only way to solve 11-7 was to memorize that it was 4.

so i realized that in such problems, the resulting digit was alwasy ten minus the difference between the bottom and top digit (subtract backwards!). for example in 11-7, the difference between 7 and 1 is 6. and ten minus 6 is 4, the answer. thus by just memorizing 9 subtraction tables, i could solve the other 45.

i kept trying to explain this method to my parents, but they (especially dad) would never have any of it. i did however manage to show my 5th grade teacher. perhaps my parents were too "educated" to learn anything from a 10 year old.

in middle school i found an reason why it works based on negative numbers. 11-7 is really 1-7 plus 10. as 1-7 is a negative difference, 11-7 is ten minus the difference. qef.

years later mom saw a talk at some conference about arithmetic in japan. lo and behold, it described this method, however with a different explaination (not involving negative numbers).

Thue-Morse sequence

before today i never knew what a Thue-Morse sequence was called. in fact, i did not know that it was previously studied or had any practical applications. but then i found the wiki via the 0.999... page.

the first time i came to know the Thue-Morse sequence (actually the negation of it) was around age 6. at that age and for many years after i had a strange obsession with balance and fairness. i believed that every action by something must be balanced by its counterpart. hence i lamented the fact that i had not counted my footsteps from birth so that i could be sure that one foot was not being unfairly favored over the other.

consider taking a step with the left foot (i represented this by 1). to balance this, we need to take a right step (represented by 0). however, this is still not completely fair because left foot got to go first, so we take another right step, which must then be countered by a left step.

so far we have 1001, - equal amounts of each step, but left foot still got to go first. so we give right foot the opposite sequence where it gets to go first (0110) giving us in total 10010110. however, left got its sequence first, so we give right another one to compensate: 100101100110. and of course to balance that we need left's sequence: 1001011001101001. thus in the beginning i constructed the sequence by repeating the 1001 pattern over and over in bigger and bigger denominations. a few years later i realized that it could be constructed just as easily by repeatedly negating what you have and adding it to the end of what you had.

i sometimes tried to tap out the sequence, but a memory of all previous actions must be kept to know what comes next. i saw the sequence as compensation, overcompensation, and recompensation that had to be taken to infinity before true balance was found. thus i knew that the only possible way to find balance without an eternity was to not take the step in the first place.

aside: this was many years before i took up Taoism - conversion has not affected my mindset. with my current mind i contemplate if thus nonaction contains eternity, if this is a divine ritual that when completed grants balance, if it can undo any action, if it can undo one's own existance, and if that is enlightenment. i also am consoled that Taoism was not brainwashing (as i regard certain religions), but simply restatement of the inborn ideas i had as a child.

contractions

who'd've (who would/had have) /hoo-duh(v)/ (or who'da)
i'd've (I would/had have) /aye-duh(v)/
she'd've (she would/had have) /shee-duh(v)/
he'd've (he would/had have) /hee-duh(v)/
they'd've (they would/had have) /they-duh(v)

shouldn't've (should not have) /shuh-dn-tuh(v)/
wouldn't've (would not have) /wuh-dn-tuh(v)/
couldn't've (could not have) /cuh-dn-tuh(v)/

who'dn't've (who would/had not have) /hoo-dn-tuh(v)/
i'dn't've (I would/had not have) /aye-dn-tuh(v)/
she'dn't've (she would/had not have) /shee-dn-tuh(v)/
he'dn't've (he would/had not have) /hee-dn-tuh(v)/
they'dn't've (they would/had not have) /they-dn-tuh(v)/

helluvalotta...

example: if'ya hadn't'a told'im, he'dn'ta went.

self worth

magistra mazzola keeps assuring the seniors in her class that college acceptance and denial/rejection (equally depressing terms) are in no way an evaluation of self-worth.

in class we sadly nod like were supposed to, but after class we assure each other "well duh of course its an evaluation of self-worth." this is one of few things we all agree on.

i read a study that going to a prestigious college does not have a significant effect on later success... in comparison to the act itself of getting accepted to said college.

if you get into that good school, youll be statistically more successful whether or not you go. if you are rejected/denied, youll be statistically less successful. thus in rejection youre not really being denied opportunity/success because even if you went to that school youre still gonna be a loser, statistically.

property

communism (ie soviet russia): we have no concept of property, so technically we didnt just take all you stuff

socialism (ie modern europe): we do recognize property, but we took all of yours, and will dole it out based on blood and political lines

my belief that "meritocracy > patronage" is what i call a "derivable axiom," which is a belief with axiomic properties, but can be traced to more basic axioms.

by ">" i mean more conducive to "enlightened" society, ie one described by 德 (virtue), 圣 (sagacity), and the penult passage (80th) of the Daodejing

obscurity

what came as the biggest suprise when i went to the hawaii and colorado student conventions was the obscurity of my school. when people asked where i came from, i said Hunter College High School expecting everyone to know what i was talking about. when no one did, i figured we were too small, so i clarified: "the rival of Stuyvesant." but still nothing. somehow i thought recent intel talent search winner would ring a bell, or highest public school acceptance rate to ivy elite. nope.

this made me realize that my school is actually quite obscure on the national level. Hunter is only known in the quaint town of New York. it was really humbling.

but then i went to a real national conferance in knoxville TN. with the student conventions in mind, i told people im from Hunter fully prepared to explain that it was a small elite private-on-public-money school in Manhattan. but i didnt need to; they would exclaim, "oh, you go to Hunter."

thus i came to a second realization - that my first one was mistaken. the city is not an obscure town. last week the whole econ class cracked up when the teacher read the description of yet another national student award entailing an all-expenses-paid trip to the city. my local news is national news. and my school is famous nationally. the hawaii and colorado conventions were student conferances - why did i hold the judgement of students from florida, alabama, louisiana, and washington in such high regard? just as i am not wrong to expect people to know what "the city" refers to, i am not wrong to expect people to know what Hunter is.

I Wish I Could Go (Back) to College

(mostly) from Avenue Q

Kate Monster I wish I could go (back) to college.
Life would be so simple there. (Life was so simple back then.)
Nicky What would I give to go (back) and live in a dorm with a meal plan (again)!

Princeton I wish I could go (back) to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"

All How do I go (back) to college?
High school's too much of a chore. (I don't know who I am anymore!)

Princeton I wanna go (back) to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
Nicky Or get into a play...
Kate Monster Or change my major...
Princeton Or ask (fuck) my T.A.

All I need an academic adviser to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!

Princeton I wish I could go (back) to college!
All How do I go (back) to college?!
Ahhh...
Princeton I wish I had taken less classes (more pictures).

Nicky (But) if I were to go (back) to college,
Think how awesome that would (what a loser I'd) be --
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."

All "These kids are not (so) much older (younger) than me."

critical mass

i only had 20 minutes, and i know im hooked for life. 4 weeks is too long to wait for the next manhattan mass - ill go to the brooklyn one - its better bc the police dont care about that one, but ill need a native to navigate just in case.

on the way to zoe's to drop off bookbags, we had to detour around 14/lex because a crane fell and hit a taxi. 15 was a beautiful street to blade. then mr bores called to gave the 20 minute critical mass lowdown.

at union sq we met two bladers - adam from cambridge MA (holding a pair of shoes), and rob from chicago. as rob said, at 7:30 "the natives are getting restless." at 7:40 300 person consensus was reached when we all made noise at once. and we headed up 4th.

the 6 lane highway was ours! as we rode up 4th, people on the sidewalkes started cheering, and we cheered back. it was a uncomparable feeling - the next closest thing being a luau :)

we were in the front and we saw the relaxed consensus made to continue going straight (we participated!), and 300 people followed.

but at 29th people shouted "right" and everyone turned but it eventually deadended. everyone backtracked and we couldnt keep up loosing all but adam and some cyclists. they wondered if it was a "mole" that said "right," (i didnt know what a "mole" was), but mr bores later said it was unlikely, and im inclined to agree with him. at 23rd we waited for ppl. the police headed east on 23rd but we didnt follow, unfortunately.

at 14th zoe and i lost everyone else - they probably went to 1st, we went to washington sq but only met police. when then they headed to 14th to block off the street - we followed but met no bikes. we called mr bores for advice.

we went to the times up headquarters, a very cozy high ceilinged joint downtown. there we heard that about 70 regrouped at stuy and road through times sq! - when that happens people will raise their bikes above their heads. we kept getting offered pizza, but werent hungry. then we hung out with the legal observers (alex, bridget) from columbia law for 40 minutes. apparently it was a busy night for them!

critical mass is such an experience, that even losing it 20 minutes in, we had a banging time - imagine next month when we do it for 2 hours!

and next month itll be halloween themed! with a halloween themed afterparty too! how hot is that?!

reflection

last thursday i talked with him for 4 and a half hours.

many years ago he saw what warren zevon called "the vast indifference of heaven." he says that while others saw it as depressing he saw it as liberating. but why does he remember only when he is depressed and depressant. indeed an indifferent heaven is the opposite of western religion; a friend at school converted to islam over the summer because she needed to believe that there was a reason for what she suffered.

Heaven and earth aren't humane.
To them the ten thousand things are straw dogs.
天地不仁，以萬物為芻狗﹔
Laozi, Daodejing, Chapter 5
老子: 「道德經」:第五章

Walking around, we stop for music, for food.
But if you taste the Way it's flat, insipid.
樂與餌，過客止。
道之出口，淡乎其無味，
Laozi, Daodejing, Chapter 35
老子: 「道德經」:第三十五章

heaven is indifferent, but people are not. not going to a single football game to watch you lead the marching band is not indifferent; telling you that whats important to you is not important to me is attaching value, attaching name. to be indifferent is not to be humane. 淡 is a powerful character, the combination of the characters for water and for fire yield insipid, or indifferent.

one day i will write a short about a world where reality is manipulated by invoking characters - names. but invoking 道 the way does nothing. it is said that the one who truly understands why will be able to invoke 德, true power. however, such understanding would require rethinking ones very perception of name.

we talked about how the elementary school at Lyon Mountain was turned into a correctional facility. he talked about how good this was for his novel.

im compliling a list of "commandments" that are meant to protect one against braiwashing or fundamentalism (see: Ori). thursday i found "accept that you can change your mind."

faith is believing in something without reason. i take many things on faith, that humanity is inherently good, that enlightenment exists and is attainable for all who seek it. but i wonder, is metaphor (name) powerful enough for all people to understand all things given the time? does this apply to knowledge or understanding or both?

at the plattsburg airbase where he went to school, all the pilots were mormon. were the bombers looking for diversion, or justification? between the 2nd and 3rd grades, his parents moved from WA to MA. disillutioned they gave up their faith, and she saved him from decision, from politics.

the culmination was understanding he died 34 years ago, and all the time since has been borrowed, has been "gravy." what a thing it is to think you have leukemia, to think these are your last two weeks, and to be only 17. he is 3 months younger than me, and he died in december; he died when he was as i am now.

he later related a waking dream he had of his sister - she was in his room, he asked if she was real, she said "no im a construct," then she introduced herself to another person with "hi im his sister. im dead." how hard it must for grandma to allow herself to love mine. i have more faith than my father in the strength of humanity - but i have never suffered.

i spend much of my time in reflection outwards. i call it "un-meditating" because its an unfocusing/ungirding of the thoughts. reflection outwards and reflection inwards are as different as knowledge and understanding - do they correlate? i am never bored.

once again he reminiscenced that i did not cry when i was born, i asked what was going on.

disney believes that attachement to material objects such as small blankets is normal and good, and that letting go of such attachment is morally wrong. i disagree for material attachment. but what about attachment to people - is it material? am i headed towards dystopia? i am undecided.

however i do know that we are born more enlightened than we are now, and that we are born without attachment. then we spend the half of our life learning to use an interface, a shadow, a representation to see the world, then spend the other half trying to transcend the bias.

tufts syndrome

yield protection refers to two practices: waitlisting and the rejection of overqualified applicants. i will focus on the latter practice, for example my friend who was accepted to Harvard and Yale but rejected from NYU.

my exertion:
given that an applicant is a "perfect match" for a school, it is unethical to reject than applicant because they may not matriculate.

most people would respond with a "yes, but..."
indeed it is perfectly fine to reject an applicant because they arent a "perfect match". but thats not the question im asking you.

• the goal of yield protection is to increase yield rates and decrease acceptance rates.
• perfect-match-ness and qualification are linked but not the same.
• is it possible to be a perfect match for more than one school?

so far 100% of people ive asked have stated that (a) colleges have a right to yield protection and that (b) it is not unethical.